I can't believe I'm quoting this but...

"Do or do not. There is no try."
---Yoda

Lol, it's been another couple of days since I've posted on here, hasn't it?

I know, I know, I need to update. I'm getting there. I'm actually planning to write a little more when I'm not online, and then just posting it here when I can get on. It's hard getting used to no wireless, having to take turns to get online on one computer. But, honestly, I'm probably also going to update offline because I'm lazy. It's easier to be lazy and still update offline rather than sitting online and wasting time not updating. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

Anyway, let's update. Today's been, what, the third day I've been back at home? The first day I was back, I ended up going up to my room and falling asleep, but the two nights since then, I've fallen asleep on the couch downstairs. Much like I did when I was visiting here back in October. Being home hasn't necessarily been a huge adjustment, but the best way to describe it, for me anyway, is to say it's like having just gotten out of the military. And not that I know what it's like to actually be in the military, nor do I mean any offense to those who are. But that's how it feels to me. I came from this "do it yourself" world where I had to take care of myself and do my Disney duty, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, and now it's like all of that has disappeared. There's food being bought for me. Meals being made for me. Dishes being washed for me, or, well, for the family, but not being washed by me. I don't have to get up early. I can go to bed whenever, go to sleep wherever (for that matter), and basically do whatever I please.

And it's wonderful. I mean, I enjoy not having the stress of getting places, of going crazy trying to cram all sorts of stuff into one day. I enjoy being able to slow down and enjoy myself. But, honestly, it worries me too. I won't say that the Disney College Program was the most amazingly amazing thing in the whole world. I mean, maybe in the future I'll look at it and recognize it for how cool it really is. But I will say that it did teach me more than a little bit about being on my own and fending for myself. I came back a stronger, better person, honestly (and not to sound like a plug for the Program, cause that's really not what this is supposed to be), and I really don't want to lose that.

It's not that I WANT to shop for my own groceries, or do my own laundry, or take care of my own dishes. But I feel that I need to do something of this sort to keep me, well, strong. Coming back here, I found myself struck at how much things hadn't changed. And inside, I worried that I, too, hadn't changed. That in needing a job, I would (and may) settle for another retail job. I'd rely on my parents to get the food and make it and to take care of my domestic needs. That I'd end up lying around in front of the tv growing fat and lazy and, essentially, destroying all that I had become.

Not to say that I didn't appreciate someone else cooking and laying around in front of the tv at Disney :P

But it's just that, for once, I actually took a step towards a better me. I want to keep stepping in that direction. Disney made it "easy" in a sense, because I HAD to do it, I had to rely on myself. But now, well, home is like a test. Can I still keep up the discipline, can I still hold on to the lessons I've learned, without falling back into who I was? Again, it's not that I don't appreciate the food and the clothing and being back with my family. I'm happy to be home. But, for once, my family seemed really proud of me. And, in a way, I was really proud of myself. I don't want to lose that. I want my friends to see how strong(er) I've become. I want them to be proud too. And I just don't want to go back to lazy, retail hell.

This isn't my wanting to be the "independant" twenty-something girl either, although I'm sure it sounds like it. This is just me wanting to still be the good person I've become, to not lose the knowledge and power that I've gained.

I guess this is also me facing a tougher challenge, since, like I said, Disney made it easy since surviving on my own was something I had to do. Here, it's all on me. It's an actual test of my inner strength and will power.

Oh boy.

I ended up going on a walk with my parents today. It was enjoyable. The weather's really nice, and since we're not in Florida, it's not humid, hooray! I couldn't help but think, as I walked, about how I used to walk all around the parks. That my exercise came from rushing to the next big ride, exploring the next resort, or more commonly, running around at work. I found myself missing the exploration of the resorts, and thinking about how Disney keeps people moving by having so many interesting things to explore in the parks, you can't help but just keep continuing forward.

But it was nice being out with my parents. We stopped at a park and I got to hear large bunches of trees rustling in the breeze. I got to hear dogs barking and see some of them playing with each other. It's all so familiar, and yet how weird to think I was without it all for a little over nine months.

Now, of course, I'm onto the projects. This is in my typical fashion. I get inspired to do something, in this case cleaning, and I attempt to tackle it and make it happen. Normally, however, I peter out. This is where I've got to try harder, where I've got to make it happen. Not that I didn't do the same exact thing at Disney, cause I did. I tried to clean and I ended up putting things in boxes and then just stopping. But since I was a little more organized and disciplined at Disney, my stopping mattered, it just wouldn't matter as much as it does here, where I've got to stick to it all on my own.

I'm still unpacking, by the way. I, with some early-morning help from my Mom, managed to tackle most of my laundry. I've still got the fancier clothes in a suitcase, but those'll have to wait until I can reach my closet. I've heard that before. Now I've got to make it happen. But yeah, I'm still trying to find places for things and, today, separating out what items will be packed in my "apartment boxes" - those boxes containing essential-for-living-on-your-own items like my garbage can, or silverware, or towels.

However, I've also been toying with the idea of watching a movie tonight :P

In short, it's great to be home. But now, I've got to keep up with the lessons that I've learned, and help myself take that next big step: a career.

Yeah, that's the big one. And that's what I've got to do.