I can't believe I'm quoting this but...

"Do or do not. There is no try."
---Yoda

Lol, it's been another couple of days since I've posted on here, hasn't it?

I know, I know, I need to update. I'm getting there. I'm actually planning to write a little more when I'm not online, and then just posting it here when I can get on. It's hard getting used to no wireless, having to take turns to get online on one computer. But, honestly, I'm probably also going to update offline because I'm lazy. It's easier to be lazy and still update offline rather than sitting online and wasting time not updating. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

Anyway, let's update. Today's been, what, the third day I've been back at home? The first day I was back, I ended up going up to my room and falling asleep, but the two nights since then, I've fallen asleep on the couch downstairs. Much like I did when I was visiting here back in October. Being home hasn't necessarily been a huge adjustment, but the best way to describe it, for me anyway, is to say it's like having just gotten out of the military. And not that I know what it's like to actually be in the military, nor do I mean any offense to those who are. But that's how it feels to me. I came from this "do it yourself" world where I had to take care of myself and do my Disney duty, acting a certain way, looking a certain way, and now it's like all of that has disappeared. There's food being bought for me. Meals being made for me. Dishes being washed for me, or, well, for the family, but not being washed by me. I don't have to get up early. I can go to bed whenever, go to sleep wherever (for that matter), and basically do whatever I please.

And it's wonderful. I mean, I enjoy not having the stress of getting places, of going crazy trying to cram all sorts of stuff into one day. I enjoy being able to slow down and enjoy myself. But, honestly, it worries me too. I won't say that the Disney College Program was the most amazingly amazing thing in the whole world. I mean, maybe in the future I'll look at it and recognize it for how cool it really is. But I will say that it did teach me more than a little bit about being on my own and fending for myself. I came back a stronger, better person, honestly (and not to sound like a plug for the Program, cause that's really not what this is supposed to be), and I really don't want to lose that.

It's not that I WANT to shop for my own groceries, or do my own laundry, or take care of my own dishes. But I feel that I need to do something of this sort to keep me, well, strong. Coming back here, I found myself struck at how much things hadn't changed. And inside, I worried that I, too, hadn't changed. That in needing a job, I would (and may) settle for another retail job. I'd rely on my parents to get the food and make it and to take care of my domestic needs. That I'd end up lying around in front of the tv growing fat and lazy and, essentially, destroying all that I had become.

Not to say that I didn't appreciate someone else cooking and laying around in front of the tv at Disney :P

But it's just that, for once, I actually took a step towards a better me. I want to keep stepping in that direction. Disney made it "easy" in a sense, because I HAD to do it, I had to rely on myself. But now, well, home is like a test. Can I still keep up the discipline, can I still hold on to the lessons I've learned, without falling back into who I was? Again, it's not that I don't appreciate the food and the clothing and being back with my family. I'm happy to be home. But, for once, my family seemed really proud of me. And, in a way, I was really proud of myself. I don't want to lose that. I want my friends to see how strong(er) I've become. I want them to be proud too. And I just don't want to go back to lazy, retail hell.

This isn't my wanting to be the "independant" twenty-something girl either, although I'm sure it sounds like it. This is just me wanting to still be the good person I've become, to not lose the knowledge and power that I've gained.

I guess this is also me facing a tougher challenge, since, like I said, Disney made it easy since surviving on my own was something I had to do. Here, it's all on me. It's an actual test of my inner strength and will power.

Oh boy.

I ended up going on a walk with my parents today. It was enjoyable. The weather's really nice, and since we're not in Florida, it's not humid, hooray! I couldn't help but think, as I walked, about how I used to walk all around the parks. That my exercise came from rushing to the next big ride, exploring the next resort, or more commonly, running around at work. I found myself missing the exploration of the resorts, and thinking about how Disney keeps people moving by having so many interesting things to explore in the parks, you can't help but just keep continuing forward.

But it was nice being out with my parents. We stopped at a park and I got to hear large bunches of trees rustling in the breeze. I got to hear dogs barking and see some of them playing with each other. It's all so familiar, and yet how weird to think I was without it all for a little over nine months.

Now, of course, I'm onto the projects. This is in my typical fashion. I get inspired to do something, in this case cleaning, and I attempt to tackle it and make it happen. Normally, however, I peter out. This is where I've got to try harder, where I've got to make it happen. Not that I didn't do the same exact thing at Disney, cause I did. I tried to clean and I ended up putting things in boxes and then just stopping. But since I was a little more organized and disciplined at Disney, my stopping mattered, it just wouldn't matter as much as it does here, where I've got to stick to it all on my own.

I'm still unpacking, by the way. I, with some early-morning help from my Mom, managed to tackle most of my laundry. I've still got the fancier clothes in a suitcase, but those'll have to wait until I can reach my closet. I've heard that before. Now I've got to make it happen. But yeah, I'm still trying to find places for things and, today, separating out what items will be packed in my "apartment boxes" - those boxes containing essential-for-living-on-your-own items like my garbage can, or silverware, or towels.

However, I've also been toying with the idea of watching a movie tonight :P

In short, it's great to be home. But now, I've got to keep up with the lessons that I've learned, and help myself take that next big step: a career.

Yeah, that's the big one. And that's what I've got to do.

Happy Disney Day

Happy 108th Birthday, Walt!!

Today was a pretty busy day, but it ended in one of the neatest ways: there were cosplayers at Farefax tonight! Axel and Riku from Kingdom Hearts made an appearance, dressed for Christmas and traveling with some Christmas elves. Somebody wanted a Diet Coke.

It was so wonderful to see such a familiar element in the parks, and to have that feeling of "home" wash over me, however briefly.

Thanks cosplayers, whoever you are.

Part 2 of 3

And so, I'm back.

My flight got in just a little over an hour ago. Since then, I wandered around the A-side of the airport (and found out it's apparently a Hyatt), was told I couldn't hitch a ride on the Magical Express, took a taxi, greeted my car, called Mom and Dad, called Ralph, and headed inside for a mini-whirlwind of semi-unpacking and a dose of Airborne.

All that being said, I'm tired. I think I have a cold. I have class tomorrow at 8am.

But first, a few thoughts...

In approximately 2 months from now, my family will be here. Approximately two months ago today, I had checked into Disney and was looking forward to a day at the beach with my family. Time seems to fly fast, and yet, not at all.

I'm also not exactly as thrilled to be here as I know I could be. True, this is probably due in part to having such and early make-up class, not to mention that I seem to have acquired a pseudo cold (or an actual one), but I know most of it is because I got to go home again. I got to see my family and my friends, got to experience weather that's more familiar to me. Got to take it easy. Got to sleep in. And, honestly, it's a little hard to think that I've still got another two months before me until I see my family again, let alone nearly three months until I see my home again.

These thoughts are making it hard for me to be interested in applying for the professional internships. Don't get me wrong, I can understand how they'd help me, and I think I'd have fun doing some of them if I got in. But, wow, being home, and then realizing I have to leave again, and that I might have to leave again-again and for six months at that? It's tough.

But I am on to the more-or-less second part of my Disney College Program. Time did fly, at least a little bit, and Amanda told me that it only gets faster once Halloween hits. I guess it's just a little weird to think that I just went through two months of Disney, and now I get to go through another two months of Disney, plus an extra bonus round of crazy.

Right now, feeling tired and sick, I'm not exactly thrilled.

But I did get to go on a plane today. Got to see the plane's shadow on the tops of the clouds. There looked to be a rainbow aura around it; that was cool. The clouds looked like snow too, so that was cool as well. I got to see dots of light indicating towns and factories and civilization. I got to see lightning far off in a neighboring cloud. I got to see the Orlando International Airport again and find my way to the Magical Express busses.

It's just...I know there's good here. I know it's a good thing for me to be back and trying to better myself. I know it's good to continue with the College Program and to have it added to my resume. I know it's good to get the perks like discounts and free park entry.

But when I got on that plane today, I started to cry. I missed home. I miss home.

But I'm back, and hoping to maintain what I've already started, and improve where I see fit. And that begins, of course, by getting a little extra sleep tonight. Especially since I didn't get a lot last night.

Don't get me wrong, I am sort of happy to be back. And I'm sure once I get into the swing of things and have some better times, it will be better. But class tomorrow morning? Having to work starting at 10:15am AND having to close the day after that? Seeing on my schedule I have a 14 hour day coming up? Just a little hard to be excited. Just a little.

But I've got to try.

Off to bed!